Just some thoughts to get you through the day…

• I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

• There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.