“Captain America; The First Avenger” opened this week at number one in the box office, knocking the latest Harry Potter movie off its perch. I have to admit that I am more than a little surprised. Shocked, actually. This film grossed over $65 million and the one thing that popped into my head upon hearing that was “Well, at least all of the Republicans have seen it.” Captain America, you see, might just be the lamest superhero. Ever. No crapping.

Harsh? Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s take a look at the good Captain, shall we? His costume is a skintight flag bodysuit highlighting his overly defined physique. A physique that, not surprising, Mr. America achieved using synthetic perfromance enhancing drugs (super serum? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…). Great message for kids there, Disney. Captain America goes all synthetic PEDs and we celebrate the man. Give his own comic, movies, make him a legend. Sammy Sosa shoots up and he has to try and turn into Michael Jackson Sosa to escape the scrutiny. Barry Bonds and his giant head may end up in the can, taking it “in the can” due to perjury charges. Dare we mention Roger Clemens? He sure as hell better be able to braid hair or his time in the joint is gonna be a bit uncomfortable.

But Captain America gets a relaunch with a new movie(#1 in the country) and a new round of cheers. Sis-boom-bah

But I digress. For the sake of moving this post along, let’s move past the Captain’s illicit drug use. What are his powers, exactly? As far as I can tell, he is, like, really strong and, uh, has a shield. That he throws. And stuff…

That’s it?

Captain America can kiss my ass. Seriously??? This guy is supposed to be the symbol of all that is good and proud for the greatest nation in the world and he gets…a shield? I mean, it is safe to say that no war, EVER, has been fought by Americans carrying shields. Who are we, the Romans? It’s almost like “The Avengers” was the fall back name because “Captain America and the Raging Phalanx” was shot down.

So dude gets a shield with a giant star on it. I guess that they were fresh out of ideas since Thor also got hosed with his “Mighty Hammer”. At least he can conjure up storms and blow stuff up with his. Captain America gets a giant frisbee…watch out Evil Axis Powers! I can play all by myself…it’s Captain America bitches!!! No wonder the Japanese thought they could take us before WWII.

I’m sure that there are a quite a few Captain America fans out there celebrating the return of their childhood hero. They are also celebrating the invention of air conditioning and the occasional solid bile movement. For me, the Captain is just a relic that needs to be retired permanently. Either that or introduce a pair of sidekicks for him. How about Major Mexico and Corporal Canada. They can join each other as Team Nafta and patrol the countries borders battling no-goodniks .

Until next time, make mine, oh forget it…