A lot of sources are reporting that Beyonce will perform during half time at Super Bowl XLVII. What does this mean? It means yet again I will not be watching the Super Bowl half time show. Theres no way on God green Earth that I will sit through a choreography of “Single Ladies”. No. Way.

With all of that being said, I want to bring you the 10 best options for the Super Bowl XLVII half time show.

1. Victoria Secret Fashion Show:
Im not even explain why this would be a great… no scratch that, the greatest idea for a Super Bowl halftime show. Instead I’ll just show you this.

2. Edit the best parts of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and air on the jumbo-tron:
We’ve all seen it. We all love it. Its a win-win situation because Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a movie that you can watch 3, 4, 27 times and not get tired of it. Now imagine that you’re only watching the funny parts.

3. Have a Milwaukee Brewers Sausage Race:
How funny is it to see 5 idiots running around a stadium in those silly ass costumes for a chance to win a years supply of sausage and cheese?

4. Show us a porno:
I know, I know, it would be impossible to show a porno during the halftime show. BUT! Remember a few years back not only did we see a titty, some markets did watch 20 seconds of a porno during the Super Bowl. So, here is my alternative, show us softcore porn. Just enough to give all of the men watching blue balls to want the game to hurry up and finish so they can dig into their wives.

5. Stand up comedy:
How about some Louis CK? Or Earthquake? Or a big name like Chris Rock performing at the halftime show.

6. The World Bowling Championships:
Now hear me out! You sat through the entire Black Eye Peas and Usher halftime show a couple of years back, which was pretty God damn gay. I think a couple of frames of bowling is step up in your manliness. Agreed?

7. No half time show:
Dont show me shit. Let who ever is doing the game just sit in front of the camera drinking beer and eating pizza and wings. I dont give a shit. Thats the best time of game to go make a beer run or go take a massive dump. Just dont give me anything that might peak my interest at all.

8. Real life Gladiators fighting real life lions:
Mid Evil Times is for pussies! I wanna see the real thing. I wanna see if man can actually fight a hungry lion and win. Sure their will be casualties but who cares? You know why? Because those Gladiators are guys who are serving a life or death sentence thats why. I know, make Jerry Sandusky the gladiator. If he gets killed by the lion are you gonna feel sorry for him? Nope.

9. Show us a boxing match between the Cleveland Bus Driver and Epic Beard Man:
They can call it “The Rumble on Public Transportation” and hold the match inside an actual bus. Vegas can set odds and take bets.

Bus Driver

Epic Beard Man

10. A Monster Truck Race:
Its a hillbilly-manly event. Plus its SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!